First, congratulations! You’ve decided to be parents, and we live in an exciting time where you have several options that you can explore on your path to parenthood
We hear a lot about “surrogacy” these days, but let’s refine exactly what it entails for a gay couple. A surrogate, also known as a “gestational carrier,” is a woman not genetically tied to the child she has agreed to carry. To be a surrogate, she has met several requirements, including successfully carrying and delivering several children previously; she typically enjoys being pregnant and wants to help others bring a child into the world. To arrange a surrogacy with a gay couple, an egg from an egg donor is needed, and one of the men from the couple would provide the sperm to create the embryos. The embryo(s) are then transferred to a gestational carrier’s uterus. The question is, how do you choose which one of you will be the sperm source?
Biological Parents
A common misconception about surrogacy is that the woman carrying the child is the biological mother. While this may have been the case many years ago (known as “traditional surrogacy”), the overwhelming amount of fertility clinics and states across the country will not allow this as it opens itself up to potential legal issues down the road. As mentioned above, this is why a separate egg donor is used when gay couples are involved.
As to who the biological parents are, putting aside who the egg donor is (depending on your path, it may be a known donor or anonymous) and who the biological father is, something you and your partner would need to discuss. While you both will be the intended parents, ready and willing to shower your future child (or children) with nothing but love and care, deciding who the genetic father is can be an emotional decision as technically, whoever provides the sperm will be the biological parent and genetically tied to the child. The other partner may not feel that, but some do. It’s something you would need to sit down and discuss. It’s often recommended to speak to your fertility doctor or an objective party, such as a therapist, should you like help working through your thoughts on this decision.
That being the genetic father means
To be a parent, in general, is to be the primary caretaker of a child, whether through adoption or if you’re a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or relative in a parent-like role. A biological parent is a person whose use of DNA has resulted in a child. It could be a male through his sperm or a female through her egg/ovum. Biological parents are first-degree relatives.
If you are a genetic father, your family history and what is in your DNA (i.e., curly hair, hazel eyes, musical talent, heart disease, etc.) will be passed on to your child. Genetics or not, though, does not factor into what your relationship will be. Whether genetically tied to a child or not, you can still have or create a special bond with a baby, especially when you take on a parenting role and raise them as their father. That’s why we use the term “intended parent”. Genetics are not; you are their intended parents.
Superfecundation: What is it?
“Superfecundation” refers to fertilizing two or more eggs from the sperm. This can lead to twin babies from two separate biological fathers. For this to happen “naturally” is an exceptionally rare occurrence. The biological mother’s body would have to release two eggs during ovulation that would then need to be fertilized by sperm from two men. The odds of this happening are around one in 400 pairs of fraternal twins.
Some same-sex couples discuss this as an option in terms of using their sperm with an egg donor and creating a certain set of embryos, a certain amount using one partner’s sperm and the other amount using the other partner’s sperm. This way, they could transfer one of each in the surrogate or one at a time to encourage a singleton pregnancy. This way, they could each have an opportunity to be the biological father to their child.
While this is an option, it should be discussed with your doctor and your gestational carrier. Single Embryo Transfer, known commonly as eSet (for elective Single Embryo Transfer), is often recommended since it’s considered safest for both the surrogate mother and child. Historically, mothers of multiples are about two and a half times more likely to be diagnosed with issues such as pre-eclampsia, and the babies often need to be in the (NICU). It’s for this reason you may want to consider concurrent pregnancies.
Tips to starting the discussion with your partner
If you already have a clear decision on who wants to be the genetic father, then the discussion is all set. If you’re unsure, a fertility work-up is one of the best places to start, as reproductive health isn’t always known as your general health. Without realizing it, one of you may have a sperm issue or something in your genetic history that may pose a problem, so ruling those out as a possible issue makes sense as a first step.
If, for some reason, you find you both may have a potential issue, you may need to rely on a sperm donor as an option.
If you both are completely healthy, again, you can each aim to father half of the egg donors’ eggs and split them up between future cycles. You may have one child or twins, or you may have one child now and then more children down the road.
There are also some potential scenarios where sperm or embryos are mixed where the fathers are not entirely certain who the father is. Still, this isn’t recommended for future medical reasons (when your child provides their family history).
Bottom line: you have options!
A step by step guide through the surrogacy process, by Kirsten Mclennan
