I am 17 days into my two week wait and I STILL have not done a pregnancy test. I know this may sound strange, but the truth is, I am too scared of the result – because if it is negative, I am not sure how I can carry on
Hello, I am Anna. I am 38 and have been desperately trying to get pregnant for the last 6 years. I have been through a hell of a lot – I am on my 4th round of IVF. Me and my husband have crippled ourselves financially and emotionally on our mission to have a baby.
We are under so much pressure, not just on the finance side, but emotionally too. All of our friends are now on to their second child. Their lives are full of school, and clubs, and pictures on the fridge. We don’t tend to spend much time with them any more. Because our journey has been so long, they have stopped asking that dreaded question (the “when are you going to start a family?” question). They have either given up hope or they are just too embarrassed to ask again.
We didn’t tell anyone we were going into our fourth round of IVF. We couldn’t bear the pressure of people waiting to know if this time it would work. The pressure is already overwhelming and heavy. I have tried to remain hopeful throughout this round, but when you have faced so much heartache and failure, it is hard to change your mindset.
Since the transfer I have had no physical symptoms – no cramping, or sickness, or headaches. I feel completely “normal”. I don’t know how I should be feeling – how should it feel to be pregnant? I have no idea.
The pregnancy test is upstairs, unopened. The message from the clinic saying to come in for a blood test sits in my phone. I have not called back yet. I don’t want to yet. I want to stay in this space – this space that doesn’t involve tears or grief.
Right now, I am not NOT pregnant. I MIGHT be pregnant.
If I go upstairs and test and it says negative, my world will crumble. My dreams of motherhood will be over. My husband’s dreams of being a father will be over. My mother’s dreams of being a grandmother will be over. The money we have spent will have been for nothing. We will have to face living a life without children. Can I live that life? I don’t know if I can.
But what if it worked? What if in actual fact there is actually a baby in there? What if this is our time? What if I really am pregnant?
But what if it didn’t work?
And so my brain goes from one scenario to the next.
I know I am tormenting myself, but I don’t know what is worse – the fear of the unknown, or the fear of my life without a child if it does turn out to be negative.
I think I will just sit here for a while longer. I might just go with the thought that it has worked. Yes, that feels better. Maybe I will go and make myself a cup of tea and some toast. Maybe i’ll skip the runny egg just in case this is actually our time….
To anyone going insane with the fear of the pregnancy result, I send you my love. This is so hard.
Ana
Your two-week wait questions answered by Dr Michael Kyriadikis of Embryolab
