“The key is to compromise,” he declares. This may or may not be a surprising factor to you, but it’s a good reminder that the “secret sauce” of happy relationships is often the simplest principles of compassion and communication.
Now, compromise doesn’t mean abandoning your wants for the other person’s desires entirely but rather searching for a way to please both parties, whether it be in part or in whole. This way, you both walk away feeling heard and acknowledged.
Relationship experts (and husband-wife duo) John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., founders of the Gottman Institute, even echo the importance of compromise in a previous episode of the mindbodygreen podcast; they have conducted research on couples for over two decades, so they certainly know what it takes to maintain a successful partnership.
However, the Gottmans add a dynamic twist to the concept, adding that appreciation for differences is just as important as the final compromise. Meaning, don’t compromise and then resent your partner for their different desires—actually appreciate their unique perspective.
In courtship, John says, “We’re looking for somebody who’s really interesting and different than we are. [Relationships] go wrong when—after they get together and are in a committed relationship—they try to turn that person into them, and they become critical of the differences.”
To be fair, some differences are simple, like what you want for dinner or what you’d like to do after a long workday, but others may call for extended attention to the topic before settling on a compromise.
Rather than assume the other party is wrong, allot time to discuss where your opinions come from and why they’re important to you so that you can create a healthy environment for discussion and compromise where it needs to happen.
This will ensure you see the full picture and encourage you to understand the root of your differences. As a result, you may view those differences in a more favorable light and feel more confident with the compromises made.
