I wanted to write to you ahead of Father’s day, to tell you about my plans for my husband who I know is hurting so badly right now, but who I know is remaining calm and collected to help support me….

I used to to love Father’s Day – a day to really spoil my Dad and remind him how much he means to me. A day that me and my siblings would get together, cook Dad a meal and smother him with love. Don’t get me wrong, we still do that, but these days, Father’s Day is tinged with sadness and fear, as it is a reminder that yet another year has passed and that my husband still isn’t a father.

I know my husband is scared that he may never get to celebrate this day. He won’t say it, but I see it in his eyes. I see the sadness and envy when we are with our friends who have children. Instead, he stands tall, puts me in his nook and kisses my head, telling me that “we will get there soon darling”.

I have told him that I want to know how he really feels, and that it is important that we share our feelings together, but he keeps saying he is “OK” and that what he wants to do is look after me. I love him so much for wanting to protect me but I also want to protect him, which is why I want to take him away this year – away from the Fathers Day Celebrations – the cards, the adverts, and the family gatherings.

So I have booked a little air bnb by the sea, to celebrate us, and how good we are together.

I am taking a picnic blanket, a corkscrew, multiple bottles of red wine, and enough cheese to cater for a weekend long cheese board (his absolute favourite thing to eat). This weekend, he won’t hear me tell him that drinking is bad for fertility – i’m putting everything on hold and will drink as much wine as I want to (even to the point where my lips and teeth turn red!) and eat as much cheese as I want to.

I plan for us to sit on the beach and watch the sunset, and either talk or not talk. We will do what feels right.

I am taking our wedding album, so that we can sit back and reminisce, and remind ourselves about how we used to be before it was all about the baby making.

I want us to get drunk and laugh at stupid videos on instagram. (I know this sounds ridiculous but we love them!)

I want us to take a moment, to see what life would be like if Fathers Day never comes for my husband. What would life be without children.  Could our lives still be as full-filled? Could we spend our years together watching sunsets and eating cheese? Could our broken hearts heal and help take our future in a different direction without children?

Could we be enough? I think we could be.

I hope that our weekend away will offer my husband some comfort, that should our future not be quite as planned, he still has a badass wife with whom he can always share a cheeseboard with.

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