The team at Xytex talk to J R Silver – father and author behind the illustrated children’s book, “Sharing Seeds”, a donor sperm story for mummy, daddy, and children, about communicating with your child about their conception
Xytex: JR Hello! Thank you so much for talking to us today. As a father via sperm donation, and the author of a children’s book written by you to sensitively introduce youngsters to the diverse origins of conception, you are the perfect person to help us understand the fears and concerns parents have when thinking about talking to their child, and how you handled these fears.
Before we begin though, can you tell us about you and your journey, and why you needed to use a sperm donor to conceive?
Hello – I’m JR Silver and am proud to be an ambassador for IVF Babble. I am also the author behind the illustrated children’s book about donor sperm “Sharing Seeds: a donor sperm story for mummy, daddy, and children”, penned in the years soon after the birth of our two donor sperm conceived children.
My wife and I were married in October 2012 and we started our fertility journey back in 2013: this was shortly after my older sister and I had both tested positive for the BRCA1 cancer gene and several months before we also discovered I had a severe underlying fertility issue.
For those that do not know, BRCA1 is a gene that was historically little publicised, in no small part due to the stigma attached with women inheriting a significantly increased risk of breast and/or ovarian cancer. We are fortunate enough to live in a time where knowledge is much better shared and medical science so very advanced, with the best doctors available to treat cancer and celebrities such as Angelina Jolie using their status to raise awareness of inherited conditions such as BRCA1.
Unfortunately, my sister did not live to see the end of 2013, diagnosed with a very aggressive triple negative form of breast cancer in March 2013, and passing away just 9 months later: my sister’s journey of life was tragically cut short, despite the very best in medical treatment, with the gaining of BRCA1 related knowledge sadly too late to take any preventative action (such as a precautionary mastectomy). Nevertheless, my sister’s memory lives on, as she left behind an amazingly strong husband and two precious young daughters who continue to do her so very proud.
What my wife and I didn’t know when we got married was that, as well as my having BRCA1, I also had non-obstructive azoospermia leading to a zero sperm count: we initially visited a London fertility clinic as potential PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis) patients in late 2013, to find out more about our options for eliminating the BRCA1 gene from my future lineage. Our thinking at the time was that we might be able to create and select embryos that did not carry BRCA1: the gene is not just potentially lethal for a female born child but also carries a slightly increased cancer risk for a male carrier, whilst children born with the gene then have a 50% chance of passing it on to their own future descendants.
We then took some time out to digest what PGD might entail, concluding we were reluctant to interfere with nature, so we opted to do nothing other than continuing to (mainly!) enjoy trying to conceive naturally. A good 6 – 8 months passed, taking us to the Easter of 2014, and so far no immaculate conception. My wife and I were both sent for fertility tests and, a few weeks later, we were stunned to learn of my infertility diagnosis.
After such a wretched 12 months, you would think things could only improve from here but the reality was that my wife and I were just commencing what was to be a very long and arduous fertility journey, one that was to be physically, mentally and financially draining but so very very very worth it in the end!!
We move forward a year, to the Summer of 2015, when my doting wife had embarked on her first IVF cycle, the first of many times where she would put her body on the line for the team. The prior 12 months had seen various trips to the London clinic, as well as working with a urologist and my stomach receiving bi-daily testosterone injections, before my testicles were operated on, in a desperate bid to retrieve healthy sperm from them: the first operation was a total failure but a second operation was scheduled for June of 2015, in tandem with my wife’s first egg collection, more in hope than expectation that some of my sperm would be extracted for embryo fertilisation.
Not overly religious, especially me after the loss of my sister, we were still praying for a child from my sperm. And, this time out, it appeared that there was a god up there after all, as 9 heroic sperm were somehow retrieved during the procedure. These sperm battled on, paired with 9 of my wife’s finest eggs, 6 of which combined to form tiny little embryos: it appeared my wife’s eggs and my seeds were compatible after all. 2 of these embryos soldiered on to reach the blastocyst stage (i.e. be suitable for implantation in my wife’s uterus). And then came a dreadfully anxious few weeks, as we waited to see if either of the embryos would successfully implant and my wife fall pregnant.
Alas it was not meant to be: armed with the first in what was to be a multitude of future pregnancy tests, we gathered in the bedroom and then waited the 3-minute wait that so many couples have had to endure. Sadly for us there was no second black line after the 180 seconds passed, nor any happy smiling faces to be seen anywhere in the bedroom.
And yet, whilst this final nail in my own fertility coffin was hard to accept, it was actually something I had always feared at the back of my mind, never the alpha male in the pack, especially once my wife and I struggled to conceive naturally. So perhaps this sense of foreboding had long started to prepare me for dealing with this outcome but, as time would go on to reveal, I have also been incredibly lucky to be surrounded by a fantastic support network, including close family, friends and counselling. But, and I think most crucially, I had fresh perspective acquired from the recent loss of my beloved sister, so greatly appreciative of simply being able to wake up and see the daylight every new day. And, of course, not being able to use my own sperm came with the huge bonus of eliminating the passing on of the dreaded BRCA 1 gene to any future children.
So spurred on by these positive thoughts, we embarked on a new fertility chapter, this time entering the intriguing world of donor sperm.
Xytex: We have listed some of the common fears that parents come to us with – did you feel the same fears?
Emotional Impact: Parents may worry about how their child will emotionally process the information. They may fear that their child could feel a sense of loss or confusion about their genetic identity or their connection to their biological father.
Our oldest child turns six this August and, despite our gently introducing the topic of his being conceived via donor sperm, including reading the “Sharing Seeds” book to him several times over the last few years, I think he is still some way off grasping the full implications of what we are telling him.
Whilst he enjoys hearing about how babies are made, as well as our specific story about how he was conceived, the minutiae is too complex for him to fully get his head around the gravitas of what we are sharing. But perhaps that is for the best, as that way, little by little, we can keep gently feeding him the information, in a way that does not have a sudden adverse impact.
So yes, at the moment, I would say our boy does feel an element of confusion, but I think that is more about the concept of the “birds and the bees” generally, rather than his donor sperm origins. And, as both our children do grow older and do develop a better understanding of their special origins, we as parents remain fairly relaxed about how they will ultimately react and feel. This is because there is already such a deep bond and love that, even if later in life there is a desire to meet with the donor, I do not genuinely fear my own role as leading male parent ever coming under threat.
Identity Formation: Parents may be concerned about how their child will develop their sense of identity, particularly in relation to their genetic heritage and family history. They may worry that their child might feel a sense of “not belonging” or struggle with questions of identity.
I guess it’s about a balance between being open about the children’s donor sperm origins but at the same time not over-hyping the situation so that the children feel unnecessarily different. And also being supportive as the children get older and do have questions or struggles regarding their identity, so that they can hopefully get past any substantive concerns.
Rejection or Stigmatisation: Parents may worry that their child could face rejection or stigmatisation from peers, extended family members, or society in general if they were to learn about their conception method. They may be concerned about the potential impact on their child’s self-esteem and social interactions.
“JR Silver” is a pseudonym. I have been asked why not publish under my real name, especially if one of my goals is to tackle the stigma associated with male infertility and the use of donor sperm. And I think this is an excellent question and one which I admit I do not yet know the right answer to. However, I am also occasionally asked another question: “do others need to know at all?”: this is a question which I answer with a resounding “YES”!
When it came to sharing details of my wife and my fertility journey, we did not start out with any plan. We initially only told a few close family and friends: whilst some couples may choose to tell no-one, for us it was important to have some support as we commenced fertility treatment, rather than being solely reliant on each other.
After a year and once we realised my situation was irretrievable, we began looking into donor sperm: we initially thought most couples would keep the donor aspect a secret, not just from those close to them but also any future children. But on reading around the subject, speaking with medical experts and engaging with support groups, we realised there was a cleaner alternative.
The main current school of thought is to be honest, not only with your children (hence the book) but also close friends and family. With knowledge comes power, to best enable children born via these very special origins to truly relate to, connect with and be accepted by all.
Time moved on and we come to the recent past: excited to share the details of my first book, my wife and I debated whether to publish it under a pseudonym – we decided to be safe and publish anonymously, primarily so as to protect the children’s anonymity and give them the autonomy, as they grew older, to decide who, amongst their generation, they wished to tell.
We were more open when it came to disseminating “Sharing Seeds” to those we trusted, not just looking to publicise the book but also share such an important message: from a (prospective) father’s perspective, if we are to normalise those born via donor sperm, we must also address the stigma associated with men who cannot (easily) procreate, so as to get men talking and realise they are not alone.
Men have traditionally aspired to be virile and potent, the provider, protector and fixer. In contrast, women have been seen as weaker and more submissive, dependent on men. Thankfully times are a changing, in particular for the modern-day woman but this flexibility must stretch both ways, with men also allowed to change their own characteristic landscape without being ostracised. This is especially so when current statistics tell us that male fertility problems affect one in six males and are the cause behind circa 50% of couples’ fertility woes. As male fertility continues to decline, ultimately, with no viable sperm, where would the human race be?
Sibling Dynamics: If the parents have other biological or non-biological children, they may be concerned about how the revelation could affect sibling relationships. They may worry about the dynamics between siblings who share different genetic connections.
Not so relevant to us but I can comment that I was mentally ready to embrace the option of donor sperm due to my strong desire to be a father, no matter how: so yes it came with a giant leap of faith but I also know from chatting to other daddies who have also conceived via sperm donor that there are no regrets, just a whole lot of love and happiness, as well as open-mindedness and acceptance for whatever tests may lie ahead, both those of a normal parenting variety and those unique to a donor conceived family!
Xytex: Did you talk to your children about their origin before you wrote the book?
Our eldest had only just turned 3 years old around the time I was producing the first book. Therefore, whilst I definitely spoke to him and took inspiration from our special family circumstances, the book itself was the main tool I had in mind to properly bring the concept alive and embed it over the next few years.
Xytex: Did you always know when you were going to tell them?
We initially thought most couples would keep the donor aspect a secret, not just from those close to them but also any future children. But on reading around the subject, speaking with medical experts and engaging with support groups, we realised there was a cleaner alternative.
The main current school of thought is to be honest, not only with your children (hence the book) but also close friends and family. With knowledge comes power, to best enable children born via these very special origins to truly relate to, connect with and be accepted by all.
Xytex: How did your children react?
Too early to say but, by laying the foundations early and avoiding treating it as a stigma or unwelcome surprise in later life, hopefully their ultimate reactions will be ok!
Xytex: How did you feel once you had told them?
We love telling the kids our story, whether talking to them generally or reading the “Sharing Seeds” book: it genuinely feels good to loud and proud about their origins, rather than starting their lives off hiding a big secret from them.
Xytex: Have your fears (if you had any) dispersed?
All currently fine but, at the back of our minds, two long-term fears do persist: (i) for my wife and me, the idea of tracking down others who have used the same sperm donor and/or giving away our one remaining frozen embryo non-anonymously is a step too far beyond our already complex family boundaries; (ii) there also still awaits the daunting day(s) when our children reach adulthood and may choose to meet with the donor. But until then, we will pour our love and energy into nurturing and protecting our children so that, when the day comes, they are best placed to make that decision and deal with its consequences (positive or negative).
Xytex: Have you heard from parents who have bought the book for their children?
Oh yes, as well as parents who are still on the fertility journey and want to talk through our shared experiences. I would dearly love to hear more from more people but understand this remains a sensitive subject and not everyone, including the males, want to actively engage.
Xytex: Do you have plans to write more books?
I have published a second book: “Sharing Seeds: a donor sperm story for mummy and child”, with further possible titles in the pipeline around the concept of sharing seeds (sperm), eggs, embryos and even children (adoption/fostering).
Regarding the second book, a few years ago, when my wife and I were first struggling to conceive, she mentioned a friend of hers who was also anxious to “crack on”, despite having no man in her life. I was intrigued to learn of her plans to use a sperm donor but at the same time silently worried on her behalf, not just about having to bring a child up on her own but also at what might be the reaction in her local community. I was also sceptical as to whether she should not wait for the perfect man to come along but how very wrong she has proven me.
This friend has gone on to conceive not once but twice via the same sperm donor and, at least to an outsider looking in, is the epitome of a successful happy parent: no co-parent to squabble with, two beautiful content boys, an inspiration to all those in the local community and beyond, not just those who may wish to embark on a similar journey but also the doubters who do not always like to be proven wrong.
I have met and spoken with quite a few other similarly single mothers in the last couple of years and noticed a common theme: these strong ladies are almost always single mothers by choice. They could have chosen to wait for a partner but elected not. They could have chosen to not have children but again elected not. Instead, like me, they bravely embraced the modern-day option of using a sperm donor and, again just like me, I have not encountered one such lady who regrets her decision.
To buy a copy of Sharing seeds, click here.
For more information about sperm donation, get in touch with the team at Xytex by clicking here.
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