"Don't give up" they say. Easier said than done....By IVF

Emotional Support

“Don’t give up” they say. Easier said than done….By IVF babble reader Joanne

What happens when you just can’t carry on? What happens when you simply don’t have the energy, or the money to carry on with IVF? IVF babble reader Joanne tells us…

It’s been 5 years, 3 months and 2 weeks since the day I said to my husband “let’s have a baby!”. I won’t ever forget that day…we had been married exactly 2 years and everything was just perfect. We had our dream home, we had jobs we loved and everything felt “just right”.

We had just been out for an anniversary meal and were back home on the sofa looking through our wedding album. I knew it was the right time – the time to make a baby. My husband lit up when I asked him the question. “Yes!!” he shouted. “Yes, let’s do this”. We hugged so tightly and both felt an overwhelming sense of joy, happiness and contentment. Life was about to go from wonderful, to perfect.

Or so we thought….

“So how many kids do you have now?” I hear you ask? Well, the answer is zero.

You see, in my head, I thought I would be pregnant the following month. But how completely naive I was. Months passed, periods came and life focused on just one topic…. baby making. When we realised natural conception just wasn’t going to happen we sought the help of our doctor, who sent us on to a fertility clinic. Since that initial chat with our GP, 5 years have passed, in which we have tried everything to pregnant – hormones, injections, surgery, IUI, IVF and ICSI. We have suffered loss, miscarriage and grief like no other.

We don’t have children and never will.

A few months ago, we made the incredibly hard decision to stop trying. We have “given up” as people so unkindly say – despite the constant “you mustn’t give up” conversations from loved ones and doctors.

But here is what I want to say….me and my husband didn’t “give up”. We just stopped trying for children because we had to. To say we “gave up” implies that we couldn’t be bothered anymore, or that we changed our minds.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

We stopped trying to get pregnant because we simply couldn’t go on anymore. We were emotionally, physically and financially at capacity. We didn’t stop because we no longer wanted children. There is nothing I want more than to be a mother, but there is nothing in this world that is going to make that happen as we just don’t have the money or the strength to carry on.

Me and my husband have started counselling, and it is helping, although it is going to take some time, and I am not sure I’ll ever not be full of tears when I think about the child I never got to hold.

Counselling is helping us gently change our course of direction and explore a life without children, but it hasn’t been an easy process. We have done a lot of grieving. We have had to say goodbye to our dreams of parenthood and a future we so wanted.

What is has done though is help me and my husband reconnect.

I am so thankful that me and my husband are still together. There were times when I would look at him and think we wouldn’t make it. We both lost our passion for life and for each other. We isolated ourselves from friends and family with children as a form of self preservation, but it ended up just being us – not really knowing what to say to each other as we didn’t know what else to focus on other that getting pregnant.

When we made the decision to stop trying, the grief was all encompassing, but as the months pass, it eases. It is still there, but I feel the weight lifting from my shoulders. I put so much pressure and blame on body whilst we were TTC, but I am now focusing on really being kind to myself. I have also signed up to a pottery class – something I always wanted to do. It helps me focus. When I am gone I won’t leave children behind, but I’ll leave a beautiful ceramic collection to my loved ones!

I know it will take time to be at peace with our new future, but in the meantime, I am taking comfort from others who have been through similar journeys. There are many support groups on line for those who are “childless not by choice” and I am taking huge inspiration from women who have found their laughter again, and discovered a passion for life that doesn’t include children.

They say “everything happens for a reason”, but I am still trying to figure out what that reason is….. all I know, is that after the hell me and my husband have been through to see our dreams of parenthood crushed, it had better be a really flipping good reason.

Share this post:

Wanda Doty

Hi there! My husband and I are on our path to parenthood, and after facing the challenges of infertility, I decided to become a fertility coach and concierge. Our journey has inspired me to support others who may be experiencing something similar. While we're still on this road ourselves, I wanted to share our story and be a source of encouragement for those navigating their own paths to parenthood. Let’s take this journey together!