Dear Sandy, Can you help me?

I keep reading about how self love and self care is important, but if I am honest, I have totally run out of both. I have failed several rounds of IVF and am feeling so angry and disappointed with myself.

I don’t think it helps that I am saying I have “failed” several rounds of IVF – but it’s just the phrase that is used right? It makes me feel like I didn’t give it my all – I didn’t study hard enough, or do my revision. I failed, and it’s all my fault.

But I did do everything that I should have done. I ate well, I didn’t smoke, I did yoga, I took my vitamins. I took my shots on time, I was never late for my scans. I rested after transfer. I was the “perfect IVF patient!!.” I should not have “failed” but I did and I am beating myself up about it.

How do I pick myself up? How do I tell myself that I didn’t fail – my IVF just did not work? How do I try and give myself some self love if I really don’t have any to give?

Thank you, Sandy
Clare

Dear Clare,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

First of all, well done on staying on top of your physical wellness. That takes a lot of commitment and can be difficult to manage alongside IVF treatment. It is a harsh truth that some IVF cycles do not work. Doing all the right things and not getting a positive pregnancy test after working so hard is truly rubbish, I can understand why you’re feeling so discouraged. It’s so easy getting lost in our own worst thoughts. Please know that there is nothing you could have done differently to affect the outcome – because you did in fact do everything right.

You’re absolutely right that saying you’ve “failed” doesn’t help

Even if we’re joking, the word can nestle in and cause some unhelpful subconscious thoughts and subsequent feelings. The thoughts can be fleeting, but the feelings associated with negative thoughts can linger for a long time. So how do you change your thoughts? Words are really important.

When you tell yourself that you have failed, you’re casting blame on yourself for something that is not your fault.

You are not to blame

The reason for needing IVF – not your fault. The reason for IVF not working – not your fault. Every time you feel the word “fail” come creeping in – try to replace it. Make sure you’re telling yourself “the cycle didn’t work” and not “I have failed”. Shifting your thoughts from failure and self blame to something more objective will help you place all of those negative thoughts on the outcome of the cycle and not yourself. And you are allowed to be angry that it didn’t work, but it’s important that you know you shouldn’t be angry at yourself. Hopefully over time your feelings will shift as well and you can make room for some self love.

The concept of self love and self compassion can seem easy, but it actually takes a lot of work and practice

Sometimes we need to start small. Saying an affirmation like “I love my body” may not work if you don’t in fact feel that way or if you feel like you don’t trust your body right now. So we need to start small and work our way up to that. You can for example start by finding 1 thing you really love about yourself. A physical feature or a characteristic. Repeat it to yourself daily.

Then after a few days, add something more. Work your way up to 3 things daily. Start your mornings by repeating them to yourself. Soon you will be able to tell yourself that you love your body. Your body has in fact done incredible things. It’s helped you through multiple cycles of IVF, and that’s no small feat. You will in time start to feel that love for yourself again.

Another thing that you may want to try is a guided meditation

Self compassion meditations work wonders when we’re feeling down on ourselves.

The steps of the meditation can include the following:

Close your eyes and slow down your breathing. Let out a sigh with your exhales and feel the warmth in your throat. Focus on the sound of your breath.

Imagine someone you love. Picture the person in your mind. What feelings do you associate with this person? Really feel the feelings for this person.

Take those feelings and direct them towards yourself. It may help to place a hand on your heart, or give yourself a hug to let yourself feel the comfort, not just from within, but by your own touch.

Whenever you feel down, mimic that same embrace to give yourself some love.

Just a reminder – you have not failed. You are enough, even when you don’t feel like it. You are wonderful, even if it doesn’t seem that way. You are worthy

Sandy Christiansen Fertility Coach

MSc, HCPC registered clinical embryologist, ESHRE certified embryologist

You can follow Sandy on Instagram @sandychristiansen_