A letter from IVF babble reader Amy…..

My intention here is not to make the fertile humans of this world feel guilty, but I would like them to know that they are bloody lucky!

Honestly, when I think about natural conception, I want to scream in envy. Unless i’m wrong (and I might be – it has never been like this for me and my blocked tubes)the process goes like this:

The loved up couple decide they want to start a family. The woman times her ovulation. The couple make love. The woman is with child.

It sounds heavenly when you compare it to an infertile couple like me and my husband, who have been trying to become parents for over 3 years now…

The loved up couple decide they want to start a family. The woman times her ovulation. The couple make love. The woman is not with child. The process is repeated over and over. The love making stops. The baby making starts. When it still doesn’t work, medical intervention is required.

And so this is where we are right now. Medical Intervention –  testing, medication, appointments injections. Bills!!! Debt!! We are on our 3rd round of IVF with nothing to show but reminders that we have loan repayments to make. The pressure is mounting and I am not quite sure how to ease it.

The pressure bursts into my brain at about 4am every morning

It usually starts with the realisation that I am still not a mother. Panic usually then joins as I think about my age, and that I will be 38 in 3 months. The fear gets heavier when I think that this round of IVF might not work and that by the time we raise more cash to start another round, I will be 39 going on 40. Then I start worrying that my own eggs won’t be good enough so I will have to think about donor eggs. How will I bond with my child if it does happen? Will we go down that route? Is it more expensive? (and so the thoughts spiral).

I usually drift back into a bad shallow sleep, to then be woken by more fear at around 5.30 – 6. This is the “oh crap we are so in debt” slot. I sit there wondering how we are going to cover the loan repayments, and how much extra cash we will need to find if this round doesn’t work. Would mum and dad help out again?

After a cup of tea and a shower I usually feel a little lighter, although still not myself. The commute to work is heavy – the London underground feels like everyone is trying to suffocate you during rush hour. The only good thing about this time of day is that there usually aren’t any kids on the train – just grumpy adults.

Work is a huge distraction and I love it. To be honest I have thrown myself into it. It means I have a real reason to turn my friends down when they ask me if I am free. I love them but they all have kids, so even though I want to see them, I don’t want to remind myself of what I don’t have.

Being around them and their children is hard – like really hard. I feel so inadequate

I feel so ashamed. I feel ashamed of my own body. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel scared that I will always feel like this as long as I don’t have a child. It hurts so much, so it is easier isolating myself.

I go home to my husband after a long day of work feeling fed up. We aren’t drinking. Taking a long exhale over a cup of tea isn’t quite the same as a long exhale over a bottle of cold white wine.

My husband is always nervous about saying the wrong thing to me (so not his fault) so our conversation is quite limited. Don’t get me wrong, we do sometimes talk about what it is going to be like being parents, but because we have had so many knock backs, it is hard to hold onto hope.

We usually eat in front of something on Netflix, have a cuddle and I head up to bed at 10ish where I scribble my thoughts and fears into a journal in the hope that they will stay on the page and not bother me at 4 in the morning again.

I know this isn’t my forever – something has to change, but this is heavy on my heart and my head and I need a release. The fear of not becoming a mother – the one and only thing I have ever wanted and needed is all consuming.

Thank you for listening.

Amy

x

Looking after your emotional wellbeing during IVF and how counselling can help