By TTC Warrior Joanne
For years, I’ve been battling infertility. It’s a relentless battle that has brought me to my knees on multiple occasions, leaving my heart aching and my dreams of becoming a mother hanging by a thread. Each failed attempt (and I have failed many times) at IVF feels like a piece of my soul shattering into a million fragments.
After my 3rd failed round my husband suggested I somehow redirect my focus until I started my 4th round. As you can imagine, this didn’t go down too well. “Redirect my focus?!”. How do you redirect your need and right to become a mother?! How do you redirect your focus to anything other than achieving your dreams of motherhood? What could possibly be so powerful that you stop thinking and obsessing over how it will feel to hold your child?…
And then things changed ever so slightly……
It was one cold morning last year in December. I was feeling pretty low (a standard day). I made a cup of tea and climbed back in to bed. My husband was up and already out. He runs, so I assumed that’s what he was doing. But then he walked into the bedroom holding something in his arms. At first I thought it was the washing, but he would never embrace the washing like that….
He pulled back what I now saw was a cosy blanket, and out peered the most beautiful face I had ever seen. (Sorry husband!)
There she was. My beautiful little puppy – my fur baby. I fell in love instantly. She looked at me with her big brown huge eyes and from that moment I could feel my anxiety lift ever so slightly. Life was now not just about my feelings and needs. I had someone who needed me.
I have by no means given up on my dream of becoming a mother, but my beautiful fur baby really has saved me. I have a little one who like I said – needs me – she needs to be fed, and cuddled, and walked and cared for. All of these needs require my focus.
I named her “Hope”. She has become my constant source of comfort and joy. In her eyes, I see unwavering love and a reassuring presence. The way she nuzzles up to me and the warmth she brings to my home is priceless. She has filled a void in my heart and provided me with a sense of purpose that has been missing for a long time.
My mornings start with the happy chorus of barking, as Hope eagerly anticipates her morning walk. The routine is not just about exercise but a daily dose of therapy for me. Her enthusiasm is infectious, and as we venture out, I feel less anxious than I once did. Before Hope, I would walk through the park full of fear as I saw happy mothers and their prams. I used to feel so alone. I used to feel selfish almost. I had no one to care for and I hated that. Now I have my puppy and she has saved me from that fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still yearning to hold my own child and I am still planning on having another round of IVF, but I feel as though I am in a better place emotionally this time. I am calmer. I am more at peace. If it doesn’t work out, I know I can still love and be loved.
In the midst of my struggles, I’ve learned that love and the definition of motherhood can be beautifully diverse. My dog may not be my biological offspring, but she is my heart’s children. She has become my emotional anchor, my source of strength through the darkest hours, and my partner in celebrating the small victories.
Infertility may have brought me to my knees, but it has also shown me the boundless capacity of love. In my dog, I’ve found a unique and profound kind of love that has helped me redefine my path. I may not have the family I once envisioned, but I have a home filled with love, and as her devoted “mother,” I cherish each moment I spend with my precious “child.”
Have you found comfort in a fur baby? We would love to hear about you and your dog. Drop us a line at sara@sideofstage.com.
