Dear Sandy

Dear Ellen

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Jealousy can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. And afterwards can leave you feeling guilty, for having very normal thoughts. Please know – that’s what they are. Natural, normal thoughts. Looking after your own mental health is priority one. There are different ways to deal with this situation, have a look at the tips below and see which one resonates with you and give it a try.

Acknowledge your feelings

Allowing yourself to feel it all can be very therapeutic but may be very hard. You could write down your negative feelings and emotions on a piece of paper and then light it on fire. You may wish to talk to someone about it. You may wish to connect with someone who has experienced the same thing so you feel validated and less lonely. Find your support system. Understand that you can have coexisting emotions. You can have these negative feelings, but also be happy for her and her baby. There’s space for both, but it can be difficult to find the balance.

One way to look at this is to remember that your sisters gain doesn’t have to make your loss greater. This journey is incredibly hard, and comparing what you’ve been through to someone so close to you who now has children can easily bring feelings of sadness and confusion. Everyone’s journey is different and as hard as it may be, try not to compare where you are.

A way to tackle the jealousy is to try to look at it objectively

It’s easy to feel like you want to be in your sisters shoes. When looking at it from a different angle, you can come to realise that your feelings are more of envy and not jealousy. Still tricky, as envy brings feelings of unfairness and the negative energy is directly linked to the person you’re envious of. Try telling yourself that you don’t want to be her. You don’t want her baby. You want your own baby. Shifting the mindset to viewing your feelings objectively may help you feel better towards your sister and her new baby. And when you’re ready, dive into a relationship with your new niece/nephew. It may seem scary at first, but it may allow you to experience joy amidst your other emotions.

Another way to shift the mindset is to think about the journey you’ve been through

The hardships you’ve faced and how far you’ve come. You know what you’re going through is really hard. You wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, so while you may be experiencing feelings of jealousy, you wouldn’t want her to be in your shoes either. A good way to do this is to write everything down. Your entire journey and reflect on everything you’ve been through so far. This is not easy. But at the end of it, I want you to tell yourself that you’ve done ALL OF THAT and recognise the strength you have.

Talk to your sister

This is by far the hardest, but it can be useful for her to know that some days you may not want to visit. Some days you may not want to talk. Some days you may not look at your phone at all. Let her know that you need to do these things to protect your own heart but that of course, you love her and her family. Explain that you may just need some time before you can be present in the way you would want to. 

Remember to love yourself

It’s really easy to fall into a spiral of self doubt and self judgement when trying to conceive. Sometimes guilt takes over when we feel negative emotions towards others, and guilt can easily turn into shame. Try to turn those feelings around by doing something you love, that makes you feel good about yourself, like journaling, reading, exercise, yoga or meditation. Gentle reminder that you did not choose this path. You’re navigating it the best way you can. Show yourself some compassion, because you deserve it.

If you would like to write to Sandy for support, then drop us a line at info@ivfbabble.com, or contact her directly by dropping her a DM @sandychristiansen