A letter from IVF babble reader Emily, who is struggling with the emotional the strain of infertility and the impact it is having on her relationship with her husband

Dear TTC community, I just felt the need to share….

Three words that make me feel sick since embarking on my very expensive journey….love making, intimacy, quality time.

I know it is a terrible statement, but it is a true statement. You see, I am sad, and hurt, and scared, and fearful. When me and my husband started trying for a baby, we did lots of love making (you can’t hear me wretch can you?!). We did it loads for months! It was fun at first and yes, we were so close and giggly, but then, as each period came and went, I started to panic. “Why isn’t this working?” I would shout through tears from the bathroom as yet another pregnancy test read “negative”. I started snapping at my husband as he would try to comfort me. I still remember the day that I pushed his arms away from me as he tried to cuddle me. I didn’t want his touch, I just wanted his baby…..and quickly! But it never happened.

I think that was the day my “romantic love allergy” developed. The day I realised that it was going to take more than a “cuddle” if we were ever going to become parents. Since that day, we have spent over 20K on 3 failed rounds of IVF with still no baby in sight.

So, I ask you, how do you save a marriage when you loathe the 3 things that are meant to keep it alive? How do you have quality time if you:

1. a) Can’t afford to do anything.
2. b) Don’t want to talk because you will just end up going over the trauma you have experienced and talk about the fear you have for the future.
3. c) You just don’t want to hang out with your husband because he is a reminder of the fact that your bodies don’t work together like they are meant to.

How do you even try to be intimate when you can’t stand your body anymore? How do you make love when you feel numb, and sad, and bitter and angry? What is the point?

As you can see, I am pretty low. I just don’t know how to re connect with myself or my husband.

I was just wondering if you were feeling the same..

Emily

x

We turned to lead counsellor, Caroline Spencer at the Lister Fertility Clinic for guidance 

Dear Emily,

It sounds to me like you need to re set your relationship. The fact that you have been through so much emotional pain on your IVF journey and yet you are still there for each other speaks volumes. I understand that you don’t have lots of money for expensive date nights over dinner or theatre shows but honestly, a re set doesn’t need to be a fancy night out in town. It doesn’t mean a night where you have to be intimate – it doesn’t mean a whole day of hanging out together either if you aren’t quite ready for that – it just means communicating as well as you can.

Begin with a sincere and candid conversation where you both openly share your emotions and worries. Start this by allocating uninterrupted time to spend together. This could be simply enjoying a quiet cup of coffee either at home, or in your favourite coffee shop.

Think about what made you fall in love with one another and maybe even write it down. Consider what you adored about your husband and what made you want to be with him. Ask him to do the same – what made him fall in love with you? Revisiting the positive and joyous experiences from the early days of your relationship can serve as a powerful reminder. You could swap notes over your next cup of coffee….

Try not to put too much pressure on yourselves. You don’t need to rush back into physical intimacy either. Simply start this re set and take things step by step. You will get there.

If you need some extra support, consider seeking guidance from a professional therapist. You can always reach me by clicking here.

Sending huge love,

Caroline

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