By Rebecca Jane Stokes

From a young age, I have always known that I wanted to be a parent. It wasn’t just a passing dream; it was a fundamental part of my future. I assumed that as I grew up, found a partner, and settled into a stable life, having children would naturally follow.

I never obsessed over it or worried about the timing. It was an unwavering belief that it would happen when the time was right. I even wrote a cringe-worthy poem to my future daughter during my college years, expressing my anticipation and excitement for motherhood.

But now, at 33, I find myself gripped with fear and uncertainty

While my desire to become a mother remains strong, my circumstances have changed. I am currently dating someone with whom I cannot have children, and I don’t feel ready in any sense of the word.

In some ways, nothing has changed. Motherhood still feels essential to my identity. Growing up in a large family and being the oldest, I have been surrounded by babies and young children for as long as I can remember. I am not naive about the challenges of parenthood; I know there are aspects I won’t fully understand until I experience them firsthand.

However, the reality of my situation has shifted. I am faced with the biological truth that my fertility may be peaking, and time is not on my side. Unlike men, who can delay parenthood until they are financially stable, as a woman, I feel the pressure of a ticking clock.

But it’s not just about the biological aspect

My current living situation in Brooklyn, with a roommate and financial struggles, makes it difficult to imagine adding a baby to the mix. I barely have enough time to take care of my emotionally needy cat, let alone a child. And the financial burden of student loan debt looms over me, making the prospect of supporting a child seem impossible.

Another factor that weighs heavily on my mind is my need for sleep. It is not a trivial matter; it is essential for my mental well-being. Disrupting my sleep routine can exacerbate my anxiety and depression, making it challenging to function. A partner might help alleviate some of these concerns, but finding the right person, establishing financial stability, and creating a suitable living environment feel increasingly uncertain.

It is not just a biological urge; it is an emotional longing

I yearn for the simple joys of parenthood, like making sugar snow with my child or witnessing the bond between siblings that I have created.

I have always felt a maternal instinct, and it is deeply ingrained in my nature. It is a part of who I am. However, at 33, I must confront the reality that if I truly want to pursue motherhood, I need to start planning and making difficult choices.

But is upending my life worth the potential regret of not having a child? It is a question I grapple with daily. The battle within me encompasses both biology and a broader understanding of what it means to become a parent.

The journey to parenthood often requires sacrifices and reshaping one’s life. It is not a decision to be taken lightly. We may question our choices and wonder if we are prepared for the changes that lie ahead. Nothing remains the same; it is an inevitable transformation.

For me, the desire to have a child is intertwined with the idea of creating a family of my own. I do not envision myself as a single parent; I yearn for a partner who shares in this journey. I understand that finding that person may take time, and I fear losing the opportunity to meet them if I rush into parenthood.

Perhaps some of us are destined to experience only one kind of love, and perhaps that is enough

Maybe one day, I will come to accept a life without children and find fulfillment in other ways.

But for now, I am willing to embrace the battle within me. It involves not only biology but also a deeper understanding of myself and what I truly want. Parenthood is a complex and transformative journey, and I am prepared to navigate the fear and uncertainty that come with it.

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