What do you do when you don’t know what to do…..
This is a letter from IVF babble reader Francesca who after 3 failed rounds of IVF and crippling debt, finds herself lost and unsure which way to turn.
“Maybe you can help me. My husband has decided he doesn’t want us to carry on with IVF as it is not only breaking us, but it is breaking the bank. He said we are in debt up to our eyeballs with only heartache to show for it.
“The conversation happened last night. I knew something was up, as he made my favourite dinner and was being more attentive than usual. Then, just as I finished my last mouthful of macaroni and cheese, he said those words that you never want to hear. ‘Can we talk’.
“My heart stopped. At that moment, I thought he was going to tell me that he was leaving me – that he had found a woman that was happy and young and beautiful, and worst of all, fertile! But no, it wasn’t that…
“He told me ‘things had to change’. He told me that he couldn’t cope with the escalating debt and the downward spiral of hope. He said that after 3 failed rounds of IVF we should come to peace with the fact that parenthood is not meant to be for us. He told me that he loved me and that we could re build our lives. Once all the debt had been paid off we could travel the world and maybe even move abroad so that we aren’t surrounded by our friends and their babies. “We could start again” he said, “somewhere fresh and exciting, and maybe even buy a dog!”.
“As the words came tumbling out of his mouth, I could see that he was starting to panic. I could see him desperately looking for a reaction – a sign of some kind that I was listening – that I could see his point – or didn’t – something! But I couldn’t move. My world froze at that point and I just sat there – staring at him, wondering how on earth he thought we might ever ‘find peace’.
“He asked me if I needed a drink.
“I didn’t know what I needed or what I should do. I took a moment and then tried to say what I think he said….
“This was our proposed future together:
“Stop IVF. Bury all dreams of motherhood. Focus on work and spend the next god knows how many years paying off our 30K debt. Travel. Move to another country. Hide away from our friends with children and buy a dog. And live happily ever after.
“I know this is going to sound so wrong, but as he looked back at me, I felt at that moment that I would rather he had told me that he was leaving me for another woman. It was a fleeting moment of insanity, but I thought that if staying with him meant my chances of motherhood were over for good, then I would prefer to leave and meet someone else who would let me follow my dreams – somehow.
“But obviously I don’t want to leave my husband – and even if I did, then what? Is there a dating app for women who urgently need to find a man to father a child? Can you filter your search so that it is a rich man who can pay for IVF?
“Who am I kidding?! I am going insane. I just want to be a mummy, with a husband I love, and money in the bank so I can buy my baby lovely things. It is a simple yet desperate yearning, but it can’t be, and I don’t know what to do next.
“We sat at the table for ages. My husband kept asking me what I thought, but I didn’t know what to say. Eventually the tears started to flow. His did too. He told me that he so desperately wanted to be a father but he also desperately wanted to have a peaceful life and that another round of IVF would destroy us.
I know we don’t have the capacity to continue with IVF – (the mental or financial capacity), but I am not sure how I go on. What is the point of life if I can’t be a mother?
“What do I do?”
Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Can you relate to how Francesca is feeling? Drop us a line at mystory@ivfbabble.com.
